Conversations inside me

"We are all chained to some extent. To our prejudices, beliefs and choices. We are all bound. What matters is how aware we are of our conditionings. "

My ego: Hey, not me! I am the most open-minded one among my acquaintances. My past may be a bit sloppy but I have a bright future ahead of me. I am a dreamer and I'd live for my dream.

Self: Really? Aren't you a prisoner of your own dreams? 

Ego: Well, technically yes. But dreaming is necessary for happiness! What's life without a purpose?

Self: Hmm. What if Playing Football is your biggest passion and you terminally injure your legs? Or what if you love singing and suddenly lose your voice?

Ego: Are you a sadist or what? Anyway, you know what I'd do? I'd still fight. I'd get artificial legs and play with them. Or I'd dedicate my life to help other singers achieve their dreams.

Self: What if you also become broke and unable to do help anyone else or yourself?

Ego: Shut up! Nothing like that will happen.

Self: You know anything can happen. I can smell some fear inside you already.

Ego: I create my own reality. Through my hardwork and good karma.

Self: Oh you mean misfortune only attacks lazy and immoral people? That's a mean thing to say to the poor orphan Raju, who was captured by a beggar gang on the Delhi roads when he was just three and a half years old, that he deserved his misery. You should be ashamed of yourself!

Ego: Come one. I didn't mean that! Of course it wasn't his fault.

Self: So you mean some different sets of spiritual laws apply to you? Hmm.. Have you located a loophole in the cosmic plan? Muahahaha.

Ego: All right. What do you want?

Self: You said, "What's life without a purpose?"

Ego: Yes, I still stand by it.

Self: A life of purpose implies that joy of the journey lies in the anticipation of the destination.

Ego: Not exactly anticipation.. Hmm.. Yes ok! That's probably what I mean.

Self: You are basically saying that life is nothing unless spent in the anticipation of some distant dream. What if you never reach there? That life would be worse. Or what if when you get there you realize that the truth isn't even close to as beautiful as the imagination. That would be the worst thing right?

Ego: :( Hmm. You make me miserable. You know that right?

Self: Yes, because you live in a false world, blinded by your beliefs. I make you miserable because I speak the truth. Nevertheless, what I am coming to is: There is nothing worse than a life spent in anticipation. NOW is all that we have. In anticipation, we miss all the NOWs that constitute our life. What's left is an empty, meaningless shell dude!

Ego: I feel completely lost now! How can one live without purpose?

Self: That's for me to discover eventually. Once you die, I'll start living....

One step closer...

I've always found it boring to meditate. I find it very difficult to be completely aware of the present moment too. But the practice that has finally resonated with me is observing myself and others as a third person. It's become really fun to do, as I've begun to get the hang of it.

When I'm deep in anger, I consciously let myself yell. When I am pained, I let my tears flow. When I'm happy, I let myself rejoice the way I wish. I also enjoy feeling the state of the people around me by imagining their conditioning and biases. But behind the conscious indulgence in all these feelings is a watchful, observant self. I try to keep that self alive, though majority of the time it stays merged with my ego. I basically wish to enhance my perception of the world through the process. And get a step or two closer to the supreme truth.

Have you ever tried to observe yourself? 

The Nature of Desire

It was perhaps the best graduation I could have asked for. I graduated from a distinguished MBA school, with the love of my life. I spoke before a crowd of over 200 as one of the three graduate representatives. Finally, both of us were granted the ‘Outstanding Graduate’ Awards. And if that wasn’t enough, I received several compliments on my speech - from the dean, MBA director, professors and fellow students. Theoretically, I should be on top of the world.

And yet my mind harbors several negative thoughts. The concern of being judged by fellow-classmates on the award.. The disappointment with probable incorrect english usage in my speech.. The pain of still being dependent on my family for my financial needs.. The anxiety associated with an unclear career path.. The guilt for receiving more joy than many others.. And a fear of the adversities about to follow this near-perfect celebration.. Does that say anything about human nature?

One can never be truly happy if happiness is sourced from external world. There is no end, whatsoever, to human desire.

An argument against meditation

Between all the dejection on the job hunt front, I had a private moment of glory today - a moment too menial to be shared with anyone else yet too special to be not saved for my future reference.

I have had an internal conflict against the entire idea of meditation for it offers you only a temporary haven not a permanent abode. And the concept of sitting and observing my thoughts just bores me. My argument has been that if meditation is just about observing one’s thoughts and actions, I could as well try to do it consciously day and night, instead of a periodic ritual. And I have been trying to do that, to some extent at least. But I hadn’t found a supporting theory to my idea so far. None of the gurus or philosophies seemed to be talking about extending meditation to all walks of your life.

J Krishnamurti is by far the most inspiring philosopher to me, for he doesn’t answer my questions but inspires me to admit that I don’t know a lot. He doesn’t offer a path like a guru; instead renders me as the strongest entity in my life. I saw a JK video for the first time today where he discussed meditation with Dr Allan Anderson. And he talked about the thing I had unheard of anywhere else but my mind - futility of the meditation that does not involve your entire being. Hence, my favorite philosopher has become the only person so far who voiced out this irrationally significant thought of mine. And as an imperfect individual, I seek incredible pride and joy from this fact.

Reference:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsqWkJ8fNWE

Internal Conflict

Reading the Fountainhead and JK’s philosophy simultaneously during my desperate job hunt has made my mind feel like the inside of a violent crusher. What do I do when two powerful conflicting thoughts are mocking at the fallacy of a being within me that I’m trying hard to save. Without this fake being, I have no identity, no name. I want to hold on to it because it is the source and haven for all my pleasure. And it is my only hope to survive in this obviously fake world. I cling on to this entity within me, trembling in fear. But the two thoughts laugh aloud - one mocking the shallowness of my identity and the other questioning the purpose of its existence. Yet, I let the two thoughts survive and swell, in my ultimate hope for redemption, in my hope to curb the constant suffering caused by an unknown fear.

An artificial boost to self-worth

It’s amazing how special a gesture of appreciation can make you feel. It’s equally saddening too. Yesterday, I learnt that my team’s project proposal was demonstrated as the best example to our following batch. And the excellence of the presentation was being accredited to the fact that we had a consultant in the team. Something inside me exclaimed when the entire glory was bestowed on my teammate, who did his internship at BCG and who, in reality, mostly contributed to the research. The presentation was my responsibility, my contribution. I defended myself. And immediately felt foolish for doing so. Still, I secretly longed for more appreciation from those around me - an appreciation that, I knew, would not have any significance - for anyone. 

Why do our instincts spontaneously respond to our need for external recognition?

When will I relinquish the need for external approval?

When will I internalize the fact that I am inferior to none, superior to none?

Autumn

Its that time of the year again

When I’m cold, brittle and dry

Dreaming of spring, quietly I sigh

When my beautiful leaves have abandoned me

I rant, cheated by my own destiny

When i struggle alone against the blow of nature

Protecting in vain, my pseudo stature

Once felt like tallest, I now feel grounded

By shallow pity I’ve been surrounded

It’s that time of the year again

When pain is blindingly profound

Though life has hit the bottom, only to rebound