Am I lost forever?

I was born in a family that did not pray everyday. My dad was an atheist all his young adult life.
But given my own experiences, I grew up believing "Everything happens for a reason". Like there is a superpower that sets forth our destiny right when we are born. Like everything in this universe acts the way it does because it has been designed to happen that way. Like no one has a control, but everything works out fine. For everyone. Eventually.
But that was a flawed belief. Since if that's true, why do some babies die out of illnesses? Why do some people live not knowing anything but poverty and hunger. I couldn't tell them "Everything happens for a reason", could I? I spent the next few years of my life reading about different religions. No offense to anyone, but nothing made slightest sense to me at the time. Some explained how the son of God suffered for humanity. Some talked of a holy messengers and a supreme god who get offended by the slightest of questioning or ridicule. I did slightly and temporarily got inclined to my own religion as it offered options. And I began to interpret Gita and the vedas to my own liking and convenience.
And then a widespread bug bit me. The law of attraction. Thoughts become things. Power of positive thinking. I gave it a shot too and did experience a few miracles myself, like some of my friends did. This brought a paradigm shift in my philosophy. From a mindset that all power belongs to the creator, I suddenly felt I owned the power to transform my life just by thinking and feeling good. But the biggest realization that this phase brought to me is that controlling your thoughts and feelings is way more challenging than it seems. It destroys your peace of mind because all the negative feelings are obstructed and buried inside you. The philosophy of positive thinking wasn't sustainable enough to be clung on to. But I did feel that the power to create my life somehow rested within me. How to utilize that was a big question. So I turned to the gurus.
I listened to Osho, but he was more of a question than an answer. I listened to Deepak Chopra for a few months and was impressed by how he linked the discoveries in latest physics with his spiritual teachings. But at some point, he turned into an extremely materialistic and egoistic person in my mind. He became a brand that sells books on laws of spirituality and looks impeccably made up in his videos.
Around the same point, I began to find some peace in the words of Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev, who talks about an attitude of Agnosticism. But he talks openly about his 'enlightenment' and I just couldn't correlate enlightenment with the occasional outbursts of violence that I experienced in his opinions.
My next haven was J Krishnamurti. Honestly, I only began to start reading him because my dad mentioned about him once and said "he was a great philosopher, but difficult to understand for common people." A loser in my own eyes, I wanted to listen to this guy and reassure myself that I am at least good at this one thing - pondering about life. He shook me. Like nothing ever before. His words made me question everything I've ever believed in. What does 'belief' even mean - being lazy about finding the truth through logic and succumbing to someone else's or your own fancy ideals? Just accepting certain things as moral or immoral because society defines them so? He even brought a sense of spiritual dissonance within me. I began wondering if living a life of purpose meant anything. I haven't seen within myself extreme talent, deep passion or the strength to follow a single cause. Can my life have any purpose? Endless videos on theoretical physics suggested to me that nothing in the universe has a purpose. And perhaps a piece of stone is as conscious as I am.
JK suggested an approach of self-observation, which made sense to me and even brought me a lot of mental peace. But now this calm feels like absence of life to me. I know money or love cannot make me content. I cannot even dream of something that would grant any meaning to my existence or make me sustainably happy. I actually don't see any hope for myself going forward. Nor can I go back to any of my previous beliefs as they seem ridiculous, superficial and almost non-sensical to me now. I feel like dying even though my life is filled with awesome people and opportunities.
Am I locked in this lost state forever?

Empty Silence

I am at peace. Much more than I have ever been. I am at ease with the world, and with myself. I am able to accept negative things most of the times without having the urge to judge. Disturbances in my world do not affect me as strongly as they used to. I am also trying to simplify life by turning minimalistic (read quality and minimal purchases). But this is turning me immensely lazy, not just physically. I have started to ignore things and forget matters. 

Is this the silence I had been looking for? This dead, empty silence? Is it even close to what I want?

Am I the observer or the observation?

I am getting used to this observation practice. Every time I feel excited, depressed, angry, proud or hopeful, an alarm goes off inside me. I don't resist any of the drama inside, I just watch it silently and it melts away. Though I wonder which part of me plays the drama and which one observes? And which part of me is now analyzing that situation? 

It is common to believe that the mind, sometimes also referred to as the ego, is separate from the soul and the physical body. But my recent experience has put a question to that belief. I've begin to realize that the division between mind, body and soul is not so clear.

Sometimes, two clear voices inside me argue over a concept. There's something in me observes the flow of thoughts and emotions, and passes running comments inside as it does so. When I sense the joy of a hot shower - I do not know if it is the body or the mind that savors the sweetness of the experience? Where does the sensory perception end and the mind begin? Where do emotions live and how do they interact with the thoughts? How does the self distinguish from the ego? I feel that if I split myself into a million parts, I can still not crack the maze that 'I am'.

I am intrigued to hear JK mention, "The Observer is the Observed". I hope to see for myself. 

Conversations inside me

"We are all chained to some extent. To our prejudices, beliefs and choices. We are all bound. What matters is how aware we are of our conditionings. "

My ego: Hey, not me! I am the most open-minded one among my acquaintances. My past may be a bit sloppy but I have a bright future ahead of me. I am a dreamer and I'd live for my dream.

Self: Really? Aren't you a prisoner of your own dreams? 

Ego: Well, technically yes. But dreaming is necessary for happiness! What's life without a purpose?

Self: Hmm. What if Playing Football is your biggest passion and you terminally injure your legs? Or what if you love singing and suddenly lose your voice?

Ego: Are you a sadist or what? Anyway, you know what I'd do? I'd still fight. I'd get artificial legs and play with them. Or I'd dedicate my life to help other singers achieve their dreams.

Self: What if you also become broke and unable to do help anyone else or yourself?

Ego: Shut up! Nothing like that will happen.

Self: You know anything can happen. I can smell some fear inside you already.

Ego: I create my own reality. Through my hardwork and good karma.

Self: Oh you mean misfortune only attacks lazy and immoral people? That's a mean thing to say to the poor orphan Raju, who was captured by a beggar gang on the Delhi roads when he was just three and a half years old, that he deserved his misery. You should be ashamed of yourself!

Ego: Come one. I didn't mean that! Of course it wasn't his fault.

Self: So you mean some different sets of spiritual laws apply to you? Hmm.. Have you located a loophole in the cosmic plan? Muahahaha.

Ego: All right. What do you want?

Self: You said, "What's life without a purpose?"

Ego: Yes, I still stand by it.

Self: A life of purpose implies that joy of the journey lies in the anticipation of the destination.

Ego: Not exactly anticipation.. Hmm.. Yes ok! That's probably what I mean.

Self: You are basically saying that life is nothing unless spent in the anticipation of some distant dream. What if you never reach there? That life would be worse. Or what if when you get there you realize that the truth isn't even close to as beautiful as the imagination. That would be the worst thing right?

Ego: :( Hmm. You make me miserable. You know that right?

Self: Yes, because you live in a false world, blinded by your beliefs. I make you miserable because I speak the truth. Nevertheless, what I am coming to is: There is nothing worse than a life spent in anticipation. NOW is all that we have. In anticipation, we miss all the NOWs that constitute our life. What's left is an empty, meaningless shell dude!

Ego: I feel completely lost now! How can one live without purpose?

Self: That's for me to discover eventually. Once you die, I'll start living....

Lost and Tired

I feel so lost today. Trembling in the fear that had perhaps been hiding all these days under my serene mind. 

I observe. As I cry. As I feel guilty of the past and fearful of the future. I am not aware of the NOW. And I do not want to care about it too. The philosophy that I had been developing these days feels like a big piece of bullshit. The power of my consciousness does not seem infinite any more. It doesn’t even seem limited to me. I feel like I am completely powerless. I have no control over what is happening to me. And to make matters worse, I have no clue right now about what I really want.

I feel tired and I do not want to think anymore.

The Nature of Desire

It was perhaps the best graduation I could have asked for. I graduated from a distinguished MBA school, with the love of my life. I spoke before a crowd of over 200 as one of the three graduate representatives. Finally, both of us were granted the ‘Outstanding Graduate’ Awards. And if that wasn’t enough, I received several compliments on my speech - from the dean, MBA director, professors and fellow students. Theoretically, I should be on top of the world.

And yet my mind harbors several negative thoughts. The concern of being judged by fellow-classmates on the award.. The disappointment with probable incorrect english usage in my speech.. The pain of still being dependent on my family for my financial needs.. The anxiety associated with an unclear career path.. The guilt for receiving more joy than many others.. And a fear of the adversities about to follow this near-perfect celebration.. Does that say anything about human nature?

One can never be truly happy if happiness is sourced from external world. There is no end, whatsoever, to human desire.

Breaking free from conditioning and judgment

Amidst two of my closest friends suffering tension in their respective marital lives, I have realized how a perfectly reasonable human being is capable of becoming unbelievably apathetic as well as irrationally empathetic to another person’s suffering. After spending several years believing that we are in complete control of our minds and our lives, I am observing a very different perspective now.

Life presents to us choices at every point in time. In a sense, the choice that we make at a given moment determines what happens to us in future. But isn’t that choice driven by the wisdom of our past interpretations of the tiniest experiences around us?

Weirdly enough, the exact same event could have different interpretations for two persons with varying prejudices, value systems or mental faculties. If we trace back, the chain of interpretation starts at the very moment of our inception - when we possess nothing but a body and a certain level of mental capability. Let us imagine a hypothetical situation from the world of Oliver Twist:

Three orphan kids (A, B and C), with no previous prejudice about the world , enter an orphanage that offers extreme deprivation and discipline. Everyday they see that the matron enjoys all the benefits (mouthwatering food, warm clothes, comfortable home etc) that they can ever fancy. Once, child A requests the matron to let him taste a mango and gets beaten up for that request. Child A, perhaps then, may regard the world as divided between the powerful and the weak. He might start panicking about his safety and eventually become a compliant but fearful civilian. Child B, who happens to closely observe the joy on the face of the matron enjoying the mango, may see a proof of the link between power and joy. He might value pleasure and power going forward. Child C, who is shaken by the injustice done to child A, may make up his mind that the world ought to be made just, by any means necessary. He might begin to consider justice as the most important value. The three children are likely to then observe all the future events with glasses tinted by their prejudices and value systems. 

It is horrific for me to imagine the implications of the thought that's taking shape here. Doesn't a person become a brutal murderer because his experiences have made him deprived, desperate, adamant and inhumane - all at the same time? To would extent has he been driven by the circumstances and how much is he truly responsible?

In fact, isn’t it even illogical for a sacred cow to judge the morality of a ferocious tiger? What the cow sees as choice is actually a necessity for the tiger. And both of them are blinded their respective conditioning.

Tolerance or Self-respect?

Tolerance and self-respect have both been part of my pursuit. But now I wonder if it is self-derogatory to tolerate someone beloved who’s been offending your attempts to patch things up. What do you choose then - tolerance or self-respect? If you have the capacity to love some people so much, is it not unfair to deprive yourself of that love? Is it justified to treat your self-respect any less important than the ego of anyone else?

I have seen enough of people doing the unjust in similar situations. Parents wailing for the grown-up children who just don’t want to return, women sobbing before their husbands to abandon the mistresses, and guys shedding blood for their ex-girlfriends. All that disgraceful struggle and pain arises when one side is trying much harder than the other. It makes me believe that a relationship that cannot survive effortlessly will and must come to an end. 

Heaven and hell

I had an interesting conversation with one of my new friends today. He shared a thought that moved me profoundly. And I wonder why it never occurred to me before!
Are heaven and hell just different states of our post-life conscience or ethereal liberation? Do they only refer to the way we feel when we die and come to terms with our true selves? Is heaven the sense of satisfaction or serenity that's experienced by a compassionate and guilt-free soul? Is hell nothing but the remorse of a sinful spirit?

Seems plausible...