Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Oblivious

In the land of glitters and sequins
Hidden in a rather dull corner
Here I rest in your embrace
Cozy like a foetus in womb
I'm catching my breath for a moment or two
Far away from the unending race
A long way from the line of fire
And from the sounds that pierce through my soul
Feeling liberated in confinement
In this moment I am oblivious to all the hurt
But also to the meaning of life

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Conversations inside me

"We are all chained to some extent. To our prejudices, beliefs and choices. We are all bound. What matters is how aware we are of our conditionings. "

My ego: Hey, not me! I am the most open-minded one among my acquaintances. My past may be a bit sloppy but I have a bright future ahead of me. I am a dreamer and I'd live for my dream.

Self: Really? Aren't you a prisoner of your own dreams? 

Ego: Well, technically yes. But dreaming is necessary for happiness! What's life without a purpose?

Self: Hmm. What if Playing Football is your biggest passion and you terminally injure your legs? Or what if you love singing and suddenly lose your voice?

Ego: Are you a sadist or what? Anyway, you know what I'd do? I'd still fight. I'd get artificial legs and play with them. Or I'd dedicate my life to help other singers achieve their dreams.

Self: What if you also become broke and unable to do help anyone else or yourself?

Ego: Shut up! Nothing like that will happen.

Self: You know anything can happen. I can smell some fear inside you already.

Ego: I create my own reality. Through my hardwork and good karma.

Self: Oh you mean misfortune only attacks lazy and immoral people? That's a mean thing to say to the poor orphan Raju, who was captured by a beggar gang on the Delhi roads when he was just three and a half years old, that he deserved his misery. You should be ashamed of yourself!

Ego: Come one. I didn't mean that! Of course it wasn't his fault.

Self: So you mean some different sets of spiritual laws apply to you? Hmm.. Have you located a loophole in the cosmic plan? Muahahaha.

Ego: All right. What do you want?

Self: You said, "What's life without a purpose?"

Ego: Yes, I still stand by it.

Self: A life of purpose implies that joy of the journey lies in the anticipation of the destination.

Ego: Not exactly anticipation.. Hmm.. Yes ok! That's probably what I mean.

Self: You are basically saying that life is nothing unless spent in the anticipation of some distant dream. What if you never reach there? That life would be worse. Or what if when you get there you realize that the truth isn't even close to as beautiful as the imagination. That would be the worst thing right?

Ego: :( Hmm. You make me miserable. You know that right?

Self: Yes, because you live in a false world, blinded by your beliefs. I make you miserable because I speak the truth. Nevertheless, what I am coming to is: There is nothing worse than a life spent in anticipation. NOW is all that we have. In anticipation, we miss all the NOWs that constitute our life. What's left is an empty, meaningless shell dude!

Ego: I feel completely lost now! How can one live without purpose?

Self: That's for me to discover eventually. Once you die, I'll start living....

Monday, May 20, 2013

Breaking my silence


"Hang the rapists!"

"Castrate the bastards!"

"Girls must not wear provocative clothes or stay outside at night."

"It's all an effect of westernization. Our Indian values are dying."

"Only the harshest punishment can solve the problem."

It all feels like dark humor to me. As the country continues to endure an unbearable headache, everyone is suggesting the strongest doses of painkillers, ignoring the possibility of a deadly tumor inside. What a shame! Could we for once, as disgusting as it may sound, step into the shoes of a rapist and understand what made him so? I can see clearly so many reasons and am sure that you can come up with many more:

First, our society illogically dismisses a fundamental need of humanity. Sexuality is considered sinful or sacred depending upon the context, but never an obvious urge. Women, with naturally higher self-control and larger obligation of preserving their chastity, mostly accept abstinence. Men, obviously then, become greater victims of the sexual oppression and develop mental aberrations of several kinds.

Second, though our society clarifies its expectations of sexual restriction, it does not show a path. Having taken away the practices of yoga and dhyana from curriculum, how do we expect the men to observe brahmacharya? Is self-control or compassion systematically taught or rewarded in our schools or homes? Or do we have a commonly known fix for the sex hormones?

Third, through our tendency of covering up women, we have objectified them. And so, a few girls in cities who display their shape or skin must seem like desserts amongst a widespread famine. Now, what would be a viable solution? Covering up the desserts, suppressing the appetite, justifying hunger, raising punishment for defaulters or simply accepting that the hunger exists.

Fourth, in most parts of the country women are possessed. Women surrender. Women obey. Boys grow up seeing this in their homes and neighborhood, sometimes even in the most posh localities. Isn't it natural, then, for men to harness this inclination to own a woman or defile her if she revolts?

Fifth, it's in men's nature to openly explore their sexuality (unlike most women). The film industry, print media, television and internet all cater to a grave and unmet need in the country, thereby intensifying it much further. A lot of men who haven't yet turned rapists have at some point groped a passing girl, touched private parts of unconscious acquaintances, rubbed themselves against women in traffic and indulged themselves that unintended show of tender skin. I have heard and seen so many instances around me. Haven't you?

Let's drop all our previous conditioning and think impartially for a moment - if a problem is so widespread, can it be an individual's fault and can it be cured just by fixing the offenders. When a man has gone mad in his lust, he is blinded by everything else. Isn't it foolishness to expect that the crime that most commonly arises out of a subconscious dearth can be contained by punishment?

Don't get me wrong. I am not justifying rapes by any means - I am a girl myself! I am just looking at the issue objectively and logically. I am just saying that you and I, given the DNA and life experiences of a rapist would have been exactly like him. The problem is very deep and widespread, and requires a more holistic solution. Perhaps encouraging self-reflection, compassion or open-minded spirituality in the society? Whole-hearted acceptance of body's sexual needs? Effective dissemination of techniques for self-abstinence? Eradication of violence and sex from media? May be a combination of all or something totally different? I am no moral police. This is just my attempt to break my silence amongst the mad anger and irrational arguments that I have been witnessing for months.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Noise


My life feels so scattered right now. Perhaps because my mind is not in order. And I am tired of my mind. There is a constant noise going on inside. An endless chatter. Uncontrolled. Unformatted. It means something in bits and pieces, but is pretty meaningless overall.
I wonder how would silence feel like. Pure silence. Serenity. Effortlessness. I wanna rise up to that silence. And so I must go through the noise.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Lost and Tired


I feel so lost today. Trembling in the fear that had perhaps been hiding all these days under my serene mind. 
I observe. As I cry. As I feel guilty of the past and fearful of the future. I am not aware of the NOW. And I do not want to care about it too. The philosophy that I had been developing these days feels like a big piece of bullshit. The power of my consciousness does not seem infinite any more. It doesn’t even seem limited to me. I feel like I am completely powerless. I have no control over what is happening to me. And to make matters worse, I have no clue right now about what I really want.
I feel tired and I do not want to think anymore.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The Nature of Desire


It was perhaps the best graduation I could have asked for. I graduated from a distinguished MBA school, with the love of my life. I spoke before a crowd of over 200 as one of the three graduate representatives. Finally, both of us were granted the ‘Outstanding Graduate’ Awards. And if that wasn’t enough, I received several compliments on my speech - from the dean, MBA director, professors and fellow students. Theoretically, I should be on top of the world.
And yet my mind harbors several negative thoughts. The concern of being judged by fellow-classmates on the award.. The disappointment with probable incorrect english usage in my speech.. The pain of still being dependent on my family for my financial needs.. The anxiety associated with an unclear career path.. The guilt for receiving more joy than many others.. And a fear of the adversities about to follow this near-perfect celebration.. Does that say anything about human nature?
One can never be truly happy if happiness is sourced from external world. There is no end, whatsoever, to human desire.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Autumn



Its that time of the year again
When I’m cold, brittle and dry
Dreaming of spring, quietly I sigh
When my beautiful leaves have abandoned me
I rant, cheated by my own destiny
When i struggle alone against the blow of nature
Protecting in vain, my pseudo stature
Once felt like tallest, I now feel grounded
By shallow pity I’ve been surrounded
It’s that time of the year again
When pain is blindingly profound
Though life has hit the bottom, only to rebound