The Nature of Desire

It was perhaps the best graduation I could have asked for. I graduated from a distinguished MBA school, with the love of my life. I spoke before a crowd of over 200 as one of the three graduate representatives. Finally, both of us were granted the ‘Outstanding Graduate’ Awards. And if that wasn’t enough, I received several compliments on my speech - from the dean, MBA director, professors and fellow students. Theoretically, I should be on top of the world.

And yet my mind harbors several negative thoughts. The concern of being judged by fellow-classmates on the award.. The disappointment with probable incorrect english usage in my speech.. The pain of still being dependent on my family for my financial needs.. The anxiety associated with an unclear career path.. The guilt for receiving more joy than many others.. And a fear of the adversities about to follow this near-perfect celebration.. Does that say anything about human nature?

One can never be truly happy if happiness is sourced from external world. There is no end, whatsoever, to human desire.

An argument against meditation

Between all the dejection on the job hunt front, I had a private moment of glory today - a moment too menial to be shared with anyone else yet too special to be not saved for my future reference.

I have had an internal conflict against the entire idea of meditation for it offers you only a temporary haven not a permanent abode. And the concept of sitting and observing my thoughts just bores me. My argument has been that if meditation is just about observing one’s thoughts and actions, I could as well try to do it consciously day and night, instead of a periodic ritual. And I have been trying to do that, to some extent at least. But I hadn’t found a supporting theory to my idea so far. None of the gurus or philosophies seemed to be talking about extending meditation to all walks of your life.

J Krishnamurti is by far the most inspiring philosopher to me, for he doesn’t answer my questions but inspires me to admit that I don’t know a lot. He doesn’t offer a path like a guru; instead renders me as the strongest entity in my life. I saw a JK video for the first time today where he discussed meditation with Dr Allan Anderson. And he talked about the thing I had unheard of anywhere else but my mind - futility of the meditation that does not involve your entire being. Hence, my favorite philosopher has become the only person so far who voiced out this irrationally significant thought of mine. And as an imperfect individual, I seek incredible pride and joy from this fact.

Reference:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsqWkJ8fNWE

An artificial boost to self-worth

It’s amazing how special a gesture of appreciation can make you feel. It’s equally saddening too. Yesterday, I learnt that my team’s project proposal was demonstrated as the best example to our following batch. And the excellence of the presentation was being accredited to the fact that we had a consultant in the team. Something inside me exclaimed when the entire glory was bestowed on my teammate, who did his internship at BCG and who, in reality, mostly contributed to the research. The presentation was my responsibility, my contribution. I defended myself. And immediately felt foolish for doing so. Still, I secretly longed for more appreciation from those around me - an appreciation that, I knew, would not have any significance - for anyone. 

Why do our instincts spontaneously respond to our need for external recognition?

When will I relinquish the need for external approval?

When will I internalize the fact that I am inferior to none, superior to none?