This moment, here...

Here I am. Sitting by the window of my bedroom looking at the world beyond. Soaking up the view of a beautiful city from the 20th floor. Just like I’d always wanted. Why did it take me 6 weeks to realize that I’m living my dream? Why am I always so invested in my past or future that I cannot live in the NOW?

All that is true is this. My room lit up with the clouded sunlight. My eyes moistened by the cheesy drama in Aashiqui 2. My heart thinking of you - the only one who deserves every bit of me. Because you are the one who can love my dreams more than I do. The one who can happily live away from me, carrying me in your heart all the time. The one who has assured me that I deserve the love of this capacity.

I hope to see that capacity within myself one day. I love you…

Noise

My life feels so scattered right now. Perhaps because my mind is not in order. And I am tired of my mind. There is a constant noise going on inside. An endless chatter. Uncontrolled. Unformatted. It means something in bits and pieces, but is pretty meaningless overall.

I wonder how would silence feel like. Pure silence. Serenity. Effortlessness. I wanna rise up to that silence. And so I must go through the noise.

Lost and Tired

I feel so lost today. Trembling in the fear that had perhaps been hiding all these days under my serene mind. 

I observe. As I cry. As I feel guilty of the past and fearful of the future. I am not aware of the NOW. And I do not want to care about it too. The philosophy that I had been developing these days feels like a big piece of bullshit. The power of my consciousness does not seem infinite any more. It doesn’t even seem limited to me. I feel like I am completely powerless. I have no control over what is happening to me. And to make matters worse, I have no clue right now about what I really want.

I feel tired and I do not want to think anymore.