Thursday, May 30, 2013

Am I the observer or the observation?

I am getting used to this observation practice. Every time I feel excited, depressed, angry, proud or hopeful, an alarm goes off inside me. I don't resist any of the drama inside, I just watch it silently and it melts away. Though I wonder which part of me plays the drama and which one observes? And which part of me is now analyzing that situation? 

It is common to believe that the mind, sometimes also referred to as the ego, is separate from the soul and the physical body. But my recent experience has put a question to that belief. I've begin to realize that the division between mind, body and soul is not so clear.

Sometimes, two clear voices inside me argue over a concept. There's something in me observes the flow of thoughts and emotions, and passes running comments inside as it does so. When I sense the joy of a hot shower - I do not know if it is the body or the mind that savors the sweetness of the experience? Where does the sensory perception end and the mind begin? Where do emotions live and how do they interact with the thoughts? How does the self distinguish from the ego? I feel that if I split myself into a million parts, I can still not crack the maze that 'I am'.

I am intrigued to hear JK mention, "The Observer is the Observed". I hope to see for myself. 

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Conversations inside me

"We are all chained to some extent. To our prejudices, beliefs and choices. We are all bound. What matters is how aware we are of our conditionings. "

My ego: Hey, not me! I am the most open-minded one among my acquaintances. My past may be a bit sloppy but I have a bright future ahead of me. I am a dreamer and I'd live for my dream.

Self: Really? Aren't you a prisoner of your own dreams? 

Ego: Well, technically yes. But dreaming is necessary for happiness! What's life without a purpose?

Self: Hmm. What if Playing Football is your biggest passion and you terminally injure your legs? Or what if you love singing and suddenly lose your voice?

Ego: Are you a sadist or what? Anyway, you know what I'd do? I'd still fight. I'd get artificial legs and play with them. Or I'd dedicate my life to help other singers achieve their dreams.

Self: What if you also become broke and unable to do help anyone else or yourself?

Ego: Shut up! Nothing like that will happen.

Self: You know anything can happen. I can smell some fear inside you already.

Ego: I create my own reality. Through my hardwork and good karma.

Self: Oh you mean misfortune only attacks lazy and immoral people? That's a mean thing to say to the poor orphan Raju, who was captured by a beggar gang on the Delhi roads when he was just three and a half years old, that he deserved his misery. You should be ashamed of yourself!

Ego: Come one. I didn't mean that! Of course it wasn't his fault.

Self: So you mean some different sets of spiritual laws apply to you? Hmm.. Have you located a loophole in the cosmic plan? Muahahaha.

Ego: All right. What do you want?

Self: You said, "What's life without a purpose?"

Ego: Yes, I still stand by it.

Self: A life of purpose implies that joy of the journey lies in the anticipation of the destination.

Ego: Not exactly anticipation.. Hmm.. Yes ok! That's probably what I mean.

Self: You are basically saying that life is nothing unless spent in the anticipation of some distant dream. What if you never reach there? That life would be worse. Or what if when you get there you realize that the truth isn't even close to as beautiful as the imagination. That would be the worst thing right?

Ego: :( Hmm. You make me miserable. You know that right?

Self: Yes, because you live in a false world, blinded by your beliefs. I make you miserable because I speak the truth. Nevertheless, what I am coming to is: There is nothing worse than a life spent in anticipation. NOW is all that we have. In anticipation, we miss all the NOWs that constitute our life. What's left is an empty, meaningless shell dude!

Ego: I feel completely lost now! How can one live without purpose?

Self: That's for me to discover eventually. Once you die, I'll start living....

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

One step closer...

I've always found it boring to meditate. I find it very difficult to be completely aware of the present moment too. But the practice that has finally resonated with me is observing myself and others as a third person. It's become really fun to do, as I've begun to get the hang of it.

When I'm deep in anger, I consciously let myself yell. When I am pained, I let my tears flow. When I'm happy, I let myself rejoice the way I wish. I also enjoy feeling the state of the people around me by imagining their conditioning and biases. But behind the conscious indulgence in all these feelings is a watchful, observant self. I try to keep that self alive, though majority of the time it stays merged with my ego. I basically wish to enhance my perception of the world through the process. And get a step or two closer to the supreme truth.

Have you ever tried to observe yourself? 

Monday, May 20, 2013

Breaking my silence


"Hang the rapists!"

"Castrate the bastards!"

"Girls must not wear provocative clothes or stay outside at night."

"It's all an effect of westernization. Our Indian values are dying."

"Only the harshest punishment can solve the problem."

It all feels like dark humor to me. As the country continues to endure an unbearable headache, everyone is suggesting the strongest doses of painkillers, ignoring the possibility of a deadly tumor inside. What a shame! Could we for once, as disgusting as it may sound, step into the shoes of a rapist and understand what made him so? I can see clearly so many reasons and am sure that you can come up with many more:

First, our society illogically dismisses a fundamental need of humanity. Sexuality is considered sinful or sacred depending upon the context, but never an obvious urge. Women, with naturally higher self-control and larger obligation of preserving their chastity, mostly accept abstinence. Men, obviously then, become greater victims of the sexual oppression and develop mental aberrations of several kinds.

Second, though our society clarifies its expectations of sexual restriction, it does not show a path. Having taken away the practices of yoga and dhyana from curriculum, how do we expect the men to observe brahmacharya? Is self-control or compassion systematically taught or rewarded in our schools or homes? Or do we have a commonly known fix for the sex hormones?

Third, through our tendency of covering up women, we have objectified them. And so, a few girls in cities who display their shape or skin must seem like desserts amongst a widespread famine. Now, what would be a viable solution? Covering up the desserts, suppressing the appetite, justifying hunger, raising punishment for defaulters or simply accepting that the hunger exists.

Fourth, in most parts of the country women are possessed. Women surrender. Women obey. Boys grow up seeing this in their homes and neighborhood, sometimes even in the most posh localities. Isn't it natural, then, for men to harness this inclination to own a woman or defile her if she revolts?

Fifth, it's in men's nature to openly explore their sexuality (unlike most women). The film industry, print media, television and internet all cater to a grave and unmet need in the country, thereby intensifying it much further. A lot of men who haven't yet turned rapists have at some point groped a passing girl, touched private parts of unconscious acquaintances, rubbed themselves against women in traffic and indulged themselves that unintended show of tender skin. I have heard and seen so many instances around me. Haven't you?

Let's drop all our previous conditioning and think impartially for a moment - if a problem is so widespread, can it be an individual's fault and can it be cured just by fixing the offenders. When a man has gone mad in his lust, he is blinded by everything else. Isn't it foolishness to expect that the crime that most commonly arises out of a subconscious dearth can be contained by punishment?

Don't get me wrong. I am not justifying rapes by any means - I am a girl myself! I am just looking at the issue objectively and logically. I am just saying that you and I, given the DNA and life experiences of a rapist would have been exactly like him. The problem is very deep and widespread, and requires a more holistic solution. Perhaps encouraging self-reflection, compassion or open-minded spirituality in the society? Whole-hearted acceptance of body's sexual needs? Effective dissemination of techniques for self-abstinence? Eradication of violence and sex from media? May be a combination of all or something totally different? I am no moral police. This is just my attempt to break my silence amongst the mad anger and irrational arguments that I have been witnessing for months.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

This moment, here...


Here I am. Sitting by the window of my bedroom looking at the world beyond. Soaking up the view of a beautiful city from the 20th floor. Just like I’d always wanted. Why did it take me 6 weeks to realize that I’m living my dream? Why am I always so invested in my past or future that I cannot live in the NOW?
All that is true is this. My room lit up with the clouded sunlight. My eyes moistened by the cheesy drama in Aashiqui 2. My heart thinking of you - the only one who deserves every bit of me. Because you are the one who can love my dreams more than I do. The one who can happily live away from me, carrying me in your heart all the time. The one who has assured me that I deserve the love of this capacity.
I hope to see that capacity within myself one day. I love you…

Friday, May 17, 2013

Noise


My life feels so scattered right now. Perhaps because my mind is not in order. And I am tired of my mind. There is a constant noise going on inside. An endless chatter. Uncontrolled. Unformatted. It means something in bits and pieces, but is pretty meaningless overall.
I wonder how would silence feel like. Pure silence. Serenity. Effortlessness. I wanna rise up to that silence. And so I must go through the noise.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Lost and Tired


I feel so lost today. Trembling in the fear that had perhaps been hiding all these days under my serene mind. 
I observe. As I cry. As I feel guilty of the past and fearful of the future. I am not aware of the NOW. And I do not want to care about it too. The philosophy that I had been developing these days feels like a big piece of bullshit. The power of my consciousness does not seem infinite any more. It doesn’t even seem limited to me. I feel like I am completely powerless. I have no control over what is happening to me. And to make matters worse, I have no clue right now about what I really want.
I feel tired and I do not want to think anymore.