Paradox

Paradox is all around me.
I've met a gentleman who recently embraced vegetarianism by choice. He reflects great deal of passion when he tries to convince his audience of his new food philosophy. Of course he only prefers leather shoes with his black suit.  Faux material is out of question, for he is a 'man of good taste'.
I've known an angelic face once enchanted by the cuteness of a rabbit, who later paid a fortune to don fur on her wedding
I've seen a naive damsel proudly wrapped up in dazzling shades of fine silk, oblivious of the horror that a million worms go through to adorn her.
I know a compassionate priest. He'd give his life away for a piece of bacon but refuses to even imagine the life and agony of the animal he consumes.

Paradox is within you and me.

For once can we try to look at things in their entirety please? I'll leave the painful examples to you for later. Let's just take our regular potato fries. What can we see? The skill of the chef. Intent of the helper. Effort of the vegetable vendor. Intent of the potato distributor. Hope of the farmer. Fertility of the soil. Magic of the monsoon. And contributors to making of the salt, oil and vessels? If we put it in words, this is an endless observation. But in silence we can just look at the object and perceive its truth.

And the truth is there were so many hands that intended well and worked hard to have these fries to us.

Would expanding our perception towards everything and everyone we encounter help us get any closer to the ultimate truth?

The blind chase

This is what I see in the world around me. All our lives we are expected to chase the pinnacle for the best possible view, turning our backs to beauty that surrounds us all the while.

Most people keep going. Hallucinated with what's coming next, they never question this race. They just keep going. Sometimes gasping for oxygen. Sometimes carrying more weight on their shoulders than they would have been comfortable with. Feeling gratitude for not being at the lowest point of the rock. Seeking joy from the sight of co-travellers well beneath them. Cursing themselves for not being as fast as the ones above. Occasionally they look behind and realize that world is after all a wonderful place. Assuming that the sunrise is so breathtaking because this view is from a height.

In this crowd of climbers, I am a lost being. When did I ever get here? I don't aspire to reach the top. I never built the endurance to continue this obligatory race or pursue a meaningless fancy. But I cannot stop as that would be a burden to those who I am tied to. And I can't let go of everything to gaze forever at the creative genius around me; that would be a suicide.

Surely life as I know it will continue to feel like a blind chase. Unless I transcend to newer dimensions and transform my current perspective fundamentally. Well, that's another fancy!

Life with bare-essenials

Sometimes I wonder how it feels like to live life in the most bare form. Waking up to the chirping of birds. Heading to a spring to quench the morning thirst and take a quick shower. Climbing lichi tree and savoring the fruit without guilt or doubt. Spotting the threat from a wild animal and saving self. Going to sleep on sand, under a moonlit sky.
It would be a life with few memories, as moments would be lived right when they take form.

The illusion of purity

Me - this word, rather the image of it, silently enslaves so many of us. Some spend lifetimes trying to build that image, some trying to sustain it. Some live in the illusion of "I can take all the pain but I can never cause pain to someone else" and then get shattered when, unconsciously, they end up hurting someone. I once lived in the illusion of "I always keep my promises." And it took me breaking just a couple of promises to go through a long period of self-hatred. Many people, at some point in their lives, end up feeling extreme dissonance between imagination and reality of the self.
Though isn't life just like flowing water? Along the way it gets maligned or clear, fast or slow, shallow or deep. It adapts to the landscape around it. We too accumulate experiences or abandon beliefs with time - discovering ourselves over and over again. Then how practical is it for us to define ourselves by a few images? Can we hold on to those images and yet move ahead as the world around us changes?

Oblivious

In the land of glitters and sequins
Hidden in a rather dull corner
Here I rest in your embrace
Cozy like a foetus in womb
I'm catching my breath for a moment or two
Far away from the unending race
A long way from the line of fire
And from the sounds that pierce through my soul
Feeling liberated in confinement
In this moment I am oblivious to all the hurt
But also to the meaning of life

Goodbye idealism

I remember rejoicing to the victory of this nobody, against an incumbent politician in New Delhi. I remember getting teary-eyed when he acknowledged, "Main bahut chhota aadmi hun, meri aukat hi kya hai". I was a proud and hopeful part of this anti-corruption movement. I appreciated Kejriwal's "genuine" words and "selfless" efforts. And I don't regret any of it. But the person who was deeply touched by it all was a different me. The stance and actions of AAP have been partly responsible for changing certain aspects of me fundamentally.

• I'd always identified myself as a dreamer. Like pursuing perfection is a rare, distinguishing skill, worth celebrating. Perhaps it is. But I now realize that it a hollow one too. A dream is meaningless and pointless if it is not supported by the appreciation of current truth and a deliberate alignment of all your actions. 
• I've also often taken pride in my ability to ask fundamental questions on the status quo. Though I now realize that practicality lies not in those existential questions but in taking steps towards constant improvisation. 
• I remember being this girl who stood by the "right thing"; who judged people and situations through the lens of her own bias; who rejoiced at the concept of "Satyamev jayate". I was a person who believed in true love, in utopia, in a life of purpose. All that has shattered in the light of current circumstances. 

Kejriwal and co - I would still like to believe that whatever you are doing is because you care. And I hope you'd find your way soon. It's strange that a certain language that gave me goosebumps before sounds massively melodramatic today. Words that inspired me earlier make me laugh out aloud now. Thanks for bringing this significant change. In me.

Of absurdity

Life sure seems like a long journey. But if I step aside and look at it as an outsider, I see I've only run around a circle all my life. Chasing. Suffering. Condemning. Believing. Seeking. Celebrating. The objects change but the game persists. The desire to fill up the void within manifests itself into different forms. The longing for love. The passion to conquer. The inclination towards a faith or ideology. The return to intoxication. The satisfaction from acting morally or bringing a societal change. The attachment to an identity that I call 'me'. I subconsciously produce these coverups but nothing truly brings fulfillment. The closest I get to happiness is by reinforcing the belief that I am happy (because my life is perfect) and by brutally murdering the negative emotions. But these solutions are short-lived. And I've cheated myself repeatedly, subconsciously always knowing that something isn't fine. That the fulfillment has just not been there. That it is no where on the horizon.
Clueless, helpless I continue to run around the circle of hope and despair. Not like a particle that, bound by laws, revolves around a nucleus. I move like an anarchist. Chasing not an ambition. Following not an ideology. Acting not to fulfill my desires. Not knowing the point of doing this or that. Amused by the meaningless conviction of those around me. But also by my own absurdity.