Tolerance or Self-respect?

Tolerance and self-respect have both been part of my pursuit. But now I wonder if it is self-derogatory to tolerate someone beloved who’s been offending your attempts to patch things up. What do you choose then - tolerance or self-respect? If you have the capacity to love some people so much, is it not unfair to deprive yourself of that love? Is it justified to treat your self-respect any less important than the ego of anyone else?

I have seen enough of people doing the unjust in similar situations. Parents wailing for the grown-up children who just don’t want to return, women sobbing before their husbands to abandon the mistresses, and guys shedding blood for their ex-girlfriends. All that disgraceful struggle and pain arises when one side is trying much harder than the other. It makes me believe that a relationship that cannot survive effortlessly will and must come to an end. 

Pursuit of the ultimate

My love for books… It’s not like the desire of a sculptor to create beauty, the fascination of a poet for romance or the devotion of a dancer to rhythm. It is simply like the passion of imperfection for perfection.

I love new ideas. A single page of meaningfully written text can have an explosive effect on me. It can take me over completely, offering so many perspectives that mercilessly intrude into the continuous dialogue inside me - a philosophical dialogue so abstract and subconscious that, with time, is becoming more difficult to share even with my conscious self. I wonder if anyone who reads much more than me can possess any less curiosity and awe. I do not know if I represent a section of low intellect beings that get overwhelmed with the most menial thoughts or if the ability to savor the minor ripples on my surface is just a gift of proof to myself of my depth. I am not sure if it matters either way. Books, after all, represent to me not a proud collection, but an infinity of ideas that have the potential to form a whole new universe - one that can hold my consciousness for eternity. Books represent to me a key to overcome the horror of stagnation; a path to ultimate truth.

Recently, though, it has dawned upon me that this obsession of mine seems purely pretentious to some. And obsession is so often judged in black or white. Perhaps, the world isn’t worthy of sharing one’s true self. Or does it matter at all?

Internal Conflict

Reading the Fountainhead and JK’s philosophy simultaneously during my desperate job hunt has made my mind feel like the inside of a violent crusher. What do I do when two powerful conflicting thoughts are mocking at the fallacy of a being within me that I’m trying hard to save. Without this fake being, I have no identity, no name. I want to hold on to it because it is the source and haven for all my pleasure. And it is my only hope to survive in this obviously fake world. I cling on to this entity within me, trembling in fear. But the two thoughts laugh aloud - one mocking the shallowness of my identity and the other questioning the purpose of its existence. Yet, I let the two thoughts survive and swell, in my ultimate hope for redemption, in my hope to curb the constant suffering caused by an unknown fear.

An artificial boost to self-worth

It’s amazing how special a gesture of appreciation can make you feel. It’s equally saddening too. Yesterday, I learnt that my team’s project proposal was demonstrated as the best example to our following batch. And the excellence of the presentation was being accredited to the fact that we had a consultant in the team. Something inside me exclaimed when the entire glory was bestowed on my teammate, who did his internship at BCG and who, in reality, mostly contributed to the research. The presentation was my responsibility, my contribution. I defended myself. And immediately felt foolish for doing so. Still, I secretly longed for more appreciation from those around me - an appreciation that, I knew, would not have any significance - for anyone. 

Why do our instincts spontaneously respond to our need for external recognition?

When will I relinquish the need for external approval?

When will I internalize the fact that I am inferior to none, superior to none?